I’m struggling a bit tonight. My father told me he could have his daughter back from 5 years ago.
5 years ago I was very unhappy. I was dating a guy who physically and mentally abused me. I was too involved with chemical substances and was at an all-time low in my life. He told me maybe “I need to…
I had a semi-breakdown kind of day today too after my mom called me upset because of a health insurance billing debacle. I know she wants to see me succeed, but when unforeseen stressors come out of nowhere, she starts putting wrong thoughts into my head and I flip out because she’s my mom. My “young adult” life looks really different than hers did and I think that scares her because it’s unfamiliar. I look back to myself 5 years ago and I see someone really naive who thought her life would end up looking a lot like her parent’s, but “better” because I’d learned from their mistakes.
Sometimes, but not most of the time, when I’m upset or scared and express that to her, she flips out and starts blaming me for not having the things she had at my age (married to a doctor, a liberal arts BA from a private Baptist liberal arts college, 5 close girlfriends that all lived in the same girl’s dorm for 4 years and married the boys in the parallel boy’s clique, etc.) and says something is wrong with me. She’ll cry and say “I don’t actually know if you’ll make it, I’m just not seeing it happen” or “you need to go to the doctor! there’s something wrong with you”.
5 years ago, those comments would have completely shut me down and put out any flame of desire of creative self-development I had. But eventually, after noticing the circular path that didn’t even feel like my own behind me, I realized that I was acting out my mother’s anxieties rather than carving my own path.
I guess this is a long way of saying that even people we thought were (and often are) our biggest advocates say things out of fear and ignorance. Unfortunately it’s got it’s pangs of truth that need to be addressed, but I wouldn’t let those particular words seep too far down. You’re carving your own path and that scares parents to death sometimes. Remember you look bright and shiny enough to strangers that I would carefully type this out. ;)
But foreal, brew some camomile, do some light yoga, sleep on it, and wake up tomorrow to your own vision and do yr papa a solid and completely blow his perceptions to smitherines—cuz you love him, and yrself.
Hope this wasn’t annoying!